2013 Poetry

If….

(5/23/13)

Excuse me I don’t mean to intrude

But I can’t ignore the nagging thought that lingers like a bitter aftertaste in my mouth

See you told me you found love…that she was the one

And despite whatever once conveyed by way of emotion between the two of us

So far ago..so long ago, know that my intentions and thoughts are pure

But I had to pause and take a moment when you said you had to pause and desist because

She did insist

That you let go of ties that you have had so many years because for no reason she had insecure petty fears

I never thought someone as great and magnificent as you would allow someone to take that which made you who you were

And misunderstand it, destroy it- that you would actually bow down to it…

Wow…speechless..maybe you are not the man I thought you were?

How is it love if it requires you to compromise and not flourish?

Shouldn’t we be able to simply embellish who we are?

Why unless who we are was at fault would we ever need to alter the pieces that make us up?

You are a man who stands above reproach yet you bow as a man who has been reproached?

Confused…my mind cannot make of such things..it tarnishes the very image of who and what I imagined you were

But if this is how you found love…I mean…assuming you didn’t settle like so many of us do

Then I shall hold my tongue and speak not the words that are unfair of me to speak

But deep down I am disturbed…because I fear she does not ‘SEE’ you

For if she did- she would have no fears, no reason to doubt or question

I don’t inquire about her worth- I am sure she is wonderful, grand, perfection in her own right

But I am also sure she does not ‘see’ you, a ring should not be the binder that brings the peace

Or a piece less of ones mind…

If she saw you..

If she knew you

If you saw- if you knew…

If….

Bitter Heart

Bitter heart I concede

No longer can I carry on and try to believe

As you take what I have and beat it to a bloody pulp

Caressing it all the while soft, crooning sweet words

With hell’s fire in your eyes

Your soul has no God, therefore it has no life

Doomed to poison everything it embraces

All that once was good- it steadily erases

Consumption is sweeter when there are tears, fears , and control

The devil within so dark…I fear not even light can redeem its soul

A room so silent with quietness about

The heart cries out….Mom….I miss you

I don’t want to have to miss you

I’ve spent my whole life missing you…somehow it just doesn’t seem fair

I know I should be grateful to have something to miss when there are so many who have had none, but still it hurts. I don’t want to be you. I don’t want to cry your tears so soon. Why should I be afraid of anything when I have nothing left to fear? When I have already lived my greatest fears there is nothing left to fret? I wish one could understand the reasons why- but there are no reasons. It simply is. I don’t want to rationalize it into a pretty pat on the back box. I accept it- but I don’t want it. Some say I live life so deep, so fast but life has taught me there isn’t much time to miss a beat. Sometimes I make hurried decisions for fear of losing the chance to make any at all…I hand out flowers, perhaps too many. The recipients not knowing how to accept them, not comprehending the worth or beauty; but none the less I have to keep passing them out.

I wonder if I gave you all the flowers you deserved and I know that I haven’t, seems like I continue to get stuck in the rut of saving for later when I should spend it all now. What are good intentions if they only remain intentions? Did I remember to tell you how beautiful you were? That I adored you? If I only had the chance I would make sure I told you every day how much I loved you, how irreplaceable you are. We fought like cats and dogs but we loved deep and hard. You were and are the very vein of my existence. You were the first person to teach me how to love and even though no one else understood you- I always did and always will.

I never wanted to have to understand you this clearly. I never wanted to have to cry your same tears. I always wanted to be like you- but never this much of you. I’ve lost before…I will lose again…but you were my first love, the center of my heart…it’s like losing for the first time. In a space so unique to itself, much that has been felt by others, but none too soon understood.

There are no remedies when one loses the center of the heart, there are no words, replacements, prosthetics; the best one can do is simply learn to adapt to the hollow, dull, panging ache that thuds with each pound of the heartbeat.

I get tired of chasing the pastel dreams when the only path way is the crystal stair

I have no interest in fitting in the box

I dream too big and just can’t fit there

Tired of being good because I’m sorta bad at it

Rather just be bad- but then I’m not too good at it

We are born introduced to the biggest illusions of all time

Illest of the lies….

Walking through life feeling like a mime

Time to relax, rethink, and relieve my mind

Unwind and find

Let loose the carpe diem inside

No limitation but the ego

Falling forward is the only way I know

Touch Me

By: Chiasa Sarang (30/30 Day 2)

Look at me…watch the way my mind curves around the concept

Of you touching me..slowly teasing me, unwrapping…

…every layer of my mind….

Go deep….and I mean…deep into my soul

Go ahead…touch that place…ooo..yea, right there…that place

Hold on…I don’t know if I’m ready…

Wait-

It’s been so long, and I feel so naked…so exposed

Inhale sharply at the sweet caress

Of you touching my mind in places that have longed..

Needed….craved….sigh….

Love me right..yes right now…wait…no…

I mean LOVE- ME- RIGHT

Because I’ve been loved wrong for so long by so many people,

And I just want to you to LOVE me RIGHT..

I want to feel your touch like an imprint upon myself without you ever laying one finger on my body

I want you to travel across my mind, search deep within all that I am;

Feel me, taste me, be full of me

Know ME, love me right

Let me feel you in the most pure and spiritual way that I can

I’m open and ready to embrace your….

Your mind…all that makes you who you are

I want to touch you and be touched without ever touching…

Growing into You into Me

You’re not the definition of perfection

But then as I mature as a person I realize who am I to ask anyone to be

We are none without fault

You don’t know me as well as I believe you should

But how can I expect anyone to know me if I am just getting to know myself?

You make mistakes, you frustrate me, you anger me, and you scare me;

You believe in me, you are there for me, you may have doubted me but you never gave up on me

You make me smile when I want to cry, you sit with me when I am sick

You allow me to be me unconditionally, you give to me unconditionally

You ask very little of me

You are nothing I asked for yet everything I could ask for

Nothing I thought I needed but yet you meet my needs

Every day I grow into a more defined person, learning the in’s and out’s of me

As I learn to love me, I learn how to love you

As every seed is planted with in me

I grow into something better

And I see you clearer

Hiccup

She let her eyes flow across the cascade of words that were written on the page

As she listened to the ever gentle flow of the melodies playing softly just so,

It set the perfect tempo for the gentle, yet urgent empowering words that lay there

And while there was nothing but beauty and hope that anyone would read and find the most

Enticing inspiration, possibly even liberation

She only found desperation, desolation

Like watching the remaining shimmer of a dream ever so quietly pass her by

Her heart forever in a limbo, a frozen cell that would never find its heat

Like all of life’s others chances that her destiny failed to meet

A hiccup in her soul for she exists only to deny the defeat that is evident there

Reminiscent of all the things that ever could have been

That she ever could have been

Now all washed away into blandness with only the will to exist

And even existing doesn’t seem to be…

But she drinks in the stale air to make do with all she has ever known, all she will ever know

Because the time for dreams is gone, the fight for more has dwindled and the light no longer brings the warmth

And she has long past gotten accustomed to the cold

I am complicated

To hate me is to love me

And to love me is to be insane

I am complicated

Turning my own pleasures into pain

Searching the off beaten path in vain

I am hypocritical to the lessons my heart seeks to teach

Following the every way but the one my soul does preach

I am complicated

I know not what I want but yet I want it all

I am my only friend and yet my one downfall

Never cared to make much sense- could never see the sense in that

The very things I push away

Are the ones I so desperately want back

I am complicated

A ball of tangles and knots

Whimsical desires and forget-me-nots

I am complicated and simple I will never be

To love me is to be insane

To know me is almost a journey done in vain…

If life had a replay button how different it would all be

If I could redo it all and still know it all

How different it would all be

It’s so difficult to breathe when the air around me smells so much like you

When saying good bye was never the option

So cruel to double dose it

Sometimes I hyperventilate

At the painful memories the seasons seem to create

You cannot fix what cannot be undone

Time has yet a machine to bring back the little ones

A pain shared alone just like the burden that was bore alone

Comfort found only in knowing you are safe at ‘home’

Latley the days seem to be stale blue…

Every sound, touch, breath of air only seems to be full of all the moments that are reminiscent of you

Spontanous tears that fall at any given time into the well buried deep

Reaching out to grasp the wail buried deep

Whispers of your essence flow in every fiber of my being

Your blood courses through me keeping you alive in my memories

As I struggle to hold on to every thought, moment that I can keep

I am like a starving dog greedily swallowing any of your essence that comes my way

So many things I forgot to say, so much you still needed to know

So much I still had yet to know… I was still growing….I just needed time to grow

I’d give anything to lay beside you- be held by you once more

So much I failed to understand..yet now my knowledge has grown

The empty space where you should be still doesn’t compute

Ashes and embers remain…..

It seems I’ve cried a million tears, said a hundred tiny prayers

Everything I ever asked for- God made sure to put right there

But my mind is so scattered, my wants so varied

That I always seem to miss it- as along the way I tarried

Now the webs a tangle….a bloody clotted mess

So easy to weep for what’s not there

But perhaps it’s for the best

How can everything seem to be falling into place so right

When it all still feels so wrong

A big heave and a sigh- because I said I’d put my faith in you-

No more time left to get it wrong

But Moses I don’t wanna be- and it’s him who scared me

Sitting next to the Promised Land watching the others play

I am not sure I am as great a man as he- no hope yet still he lead the way?

Such a tiny insignificant being- built strong but losing sight

Like Samson I say please grant me this strength

To carry out this one last plight…

Man I saw her saw her when she smiled

I swear it could light the world

I remember study dates, bestfriends, Christmases…

Time passed and we moved on as we grew up,

We moved on…

Time passed and brought us back

My homie, my sister, my friend

Her pain was my pain

And I sat and watched at life slowly grew filling her womb…and life

I watched and prayed as life filled and there was no longer much room…

I wonder as she was grasping for her breath- was he there…what was he thinking

Did he even care

I ask God where is the justice when the just live so unjust…and the unjust seem to prosper?

I know in the end they get their just do….

And we should in turn just do

As we were taught to

But God where is the justice, because the just – just wanna smile too

I thank God he brought her through it but I ask God why must she do it

Struggle the struggle yet still she smiles and I swear it lights the world…

At least it lights mine….my heart weeps to wonder why it no longer

Lights his…

But it’s the damnest thing…

Bc the only solid answer is- it just is….

Miss, Ms, Mrs, Remiss

I don’t believe in forever

Because its not a concept I find the need to breath, believe, concive or dream

It just comes about to seem

Like another great big lie we are taught to search for

We are fed it and begin to ingest it and before we even understand it;

It seems like we have already begun to mis-digest it

Eaten it so much I begin to feel like I detest it

Mis-educated by the school system of life not unlike the hill

Taught anything but the harsher realities of life

Now there’s a bullet that penetrates him

The same one that pierced me through my soul

Fed right through me and spat it right back at him

And now the pain has him spiraling

Searching for his balance and control

Seems like the loneliest place when life takes its ‘toll’

A price that feels a little too heavy to bear

When all you hoped to have seen on the other side isn’t quite there

A good thing can become a bad thing without the proper care

The right things suddenly morph into the wrong things

When they stop the care

The fairytale seems misguided and soon enough not even time can re-write it

Let go of the pause button- there is no reason to rewind it

I don’t search for the fairytale and I am not apologetic

I got a whole new aspect when I changed my perspect…

No Artificial Flavors

By Sylvia Lei

I won’t be censored and I refuse to whisper

The voice inside of me must breathe

It must be set free

Why does the truth make one uncomfortable?

Is there something inside of us that finds an identity?

With the ugly pieces, so we seek to silence it?

How can so many people live false lives?

Never voicing their true thoughts

Never being loved for the true them?

Take all of me or have none

Hell I’ll even say you can have some

But every piece you get to take, savor, and chew on

Will be pure and solid

No artificial flavoring here

The meat of my mind is too rich to be diluted

Requires no side dish, although I caution you, it tends to be saucy

But I only seek to fill you with healthy solid substance

So I’ve taken a lot of care to make sure it’s marinated

And I’ve researched to find all the best ingredients

This dish has an aroma that too loud to be quieted

But delivers so much for the soul

And every day it’s ever changing

As every day it’s continuously seasoned

Quiet Good-Bye Bridge

January 15, 2012

I loved her and she said she loved me back

A quick bond secured between to like souls…so we thought

Now nothing but distance and unspoken words had created a river

I asked her to meet me at the middle of the bridge but alas I was on the lonely bridge

Never wanted to need to say good-bye.. a word saved for last

So I look past….

But the past is an indication of the future

And the bleeding heart can find no suture

So I let her go and walked alone from the bridge

Her past misguides her, decides her- one cannot fight for those who won’t save themselves

I seem to find a lot of lost wondering souls and I allow each one to touch a part of my life

Only to watch them part with pieces of my life

I love them and they love me back till they don’t

And I quietly whisper good-bye.

What happens when that which you once adored, you hate?

When that which you once believed you no longer?

If I made you my diary and whispered the secrets I no longer tell, would you judge me

Would you run? Would you think I was crazy? Or would you understand me?

What if I told you I no longer believed in anything any more?

What if I told you I was only just resting above surface and,

I think I drowned before I even knew I was falling?

That I was so irreparable and broken beyond my own recognition?

That I could hardly feel any more and my distant connections to feeling were….

What if I told you that you were my last belief and sometimes even that doesn’t matter?

I think I made a mistake some where between far and near, but I can’t seem to figure out where

When or why….

What if I told you I no longer believed in miracles, destiny, life…etc

Would you pity me or understand me?

If I bared my soul, the ugly and all what would you see?

If I told you my darkest secrets would you run?

If I made you my diary and confessed my soul…what would you….?

You never quite know where to go

Or what it really is

Giving so generously away the pieces

Risking no return

Selfish would be nice

If it could be achieved

There would be no fear of lies or let downs

If only it were that easy

Never understood what binds one but not another

But the glue you can only pray will stick

And outlast….

That trust can be achieved and mistrust a piece of the past

But how when the guidelines are so unclear

And what was once there you now find here

You love despite it all

And choke down the fear

Knowing the bittersweet reality of it

Yet you helplessly succumb to what will inevitably end up,

Your self made downfall….

Type

Stuck between reality and fantasy....

Somehow the two are getting tangled...is that so bad?

If only fantasy was closer so I could touch it to see if it were real

It all tumbles together so fast and everything is spinning,

Pause button….I hesitate to press it

I know one day I might regret the moment my finger hesitated

The words you speak in my ear, my mind refuses to digest

I’ve heard it all before, seen it all before

Can you show me something I haven’t seen yet?

Will you be the first to be 100…give 100…take 100?

We crossed paths so briefly- the past and present are sort of mingled

Am I falling for fantasy or reality?

Notions?

You said you were falling in love…so effortlessly, fluidly… (heard it before)

Trickles slowly to my heart…

Either way we have put things in motion and only time will tell…


				*Shades Of Blue* *2013 Poetry*



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