My son Jaiden was born a healthy 9 pounds 1 ounce baby boy on August 2, 2003. In October of 2003 my baby boy had a terrible fever and was inconsolable. I took him to the emergency room thinking he had some sort of a cold and that we would be leaving that night with a bottle of Tylenol. I was so wrong. He was diagnosed with meningitis. I had never even heard of this before. The doctors assured me everything was fine and that he would be alright, so there was no fear in my heart. I had no idea what this thing was but if the doctors were not too concerned then I was ok with things. They told me they would like to keep him over night to observe him and assured me we would be going home in the morning. As I think back I remember him laying in the bed with my father by his side. They were talking to one another in baby talk. The nurses ushered us upstairs to a observation floor for infants. I looked around at my surroundings thinking I can’t wait to get back home in bed. As I sat watching my baby boy in his crib my heart was gripped with sudden panic. His whole body was going into convulsions. I felt a cold fear run through my body as my heart skipped a beat; I called out to the doctors, panic causing my voice to crack just a bit, “My baby!”

                This was the beginning of the end. He was having a seizure and that seizure put him into a coma. Apparently the doctors failed to be straight up with me in the beginning. Meningitis is a horrible thing to happen to an infant. It can most certainly and more often than not lead to death. My child was in a comma for a month and a half and during that time there was immense swelling in his brain. The doctors told me I should let him go and I probably should have. They explained to me that even if he were to survive the damage to his brain would only allow him to live in a vegetated state for the rest of his life. I thought on this long and hard. What was I suppose to do? Here was my first child. My baby boy and you’re asking me to pull the plug on his life. I sat by his fragile body every night and thought hard on what I should do. I suppose the optimist in me wanted to believe that with enough love and effort he could be normal again. I just thought maybe God would restore him. I never considered the medical facts and what was in store for me.

                My son lived and it was everything the doctors predicted. A long hard road. I imagined in the beginning that I would be surrounded by family and friends who would help me carry this burden but I was alone. No one came to the doctor appointments with me, no one offered to baby sit so that I could go to the movies (after all I was only twenty years old) or just be young. No relief was offered and I felt like I was living as an old woman. I was stressed out trying to care for this special needs child and they don’t exactly give you a how to book when you leave the hospital. I tried my hardest to do what I felt was best. Only my mother in law seemed available when I needed her and for that I am eternally grateful. Everyday I asked my self did I make the right choice. I mean he couldn’t even cry so how could I know when he was sad or in pain? It pained me to think of what sort of life he lived inside his mind. I lost hope and just gave up on him ever recovering. I realized I should have listened to the doctors. I had grown to be so depressed and pessimistic.

                Around January of 2007 I had a renewed faith. Things were starting to fall into place. My parents had decided to take a more active role in his life and I had found an affordable place to live and a wonderful nurse who was willing to sit with him. I was designing a new nursery for him and I had fresh ideas on his therapy. Once again I was optimistic. I just knew with enough TLC my baby would okay. January 24 my husband at the time and I started moving into our new place. I remember this because it was my youngest son Thai’s birthday. I was excited because it felt like we were having a fresh start. My husband and I had been through a terrible separation and we were finally getting things back in order and Jaiden was going to get better because I had finally figured out what to do. Life was good.

                January 25, 2007 my husband woke me up that morning with the words, “Baby Jai is not breathing.” I felt like I was back at the hospital that October. I immediately ran to my son but I knew it was over. His body was so cold. I touched my lips to his, but they were like rubber. My husband called 911 while I sat there in some sort of shock. Lights from the police cars and ambulances surrounded my home. People in uniforms filled up my tiny apartment. As I followed them to the ambulance I felt like I was in a movie. I was watching myself- I wasn’t actually there. I don’t know who called my parents but they were at the hospital not too long after I arrived. I remember my mother Tammie falling to the floor engulfed in grief. She screamed in agony as her beloved grandchild laid lifeless on the bed. My father sat there in silence as he observed his name sake. I didn’t know how to cry, I didn’t know how to feel. I was still just watching the movie of my life. I thought to myself, poor girl, her son just died, but she doesn’t cry. Poor grandparents. Poor child. They pronounced my son dead that day and I left. I went back home and laid down in my bed. Still I could not cry. There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I lay there. I felt like a little girl. The situation was too much for me to handle so I just lay there. 

                There was a funereal and all the family came out and friends I hadn’t seen in years. Everyone was there offering their condolences. I was grateful for all the support and the attention kept me from grieving but deep inside I was angry at them all. I just couldn’t understand how now that he was dead everyone was there- what about while he was living when I needed them most of all? I suppose better late than never right? At the funereal I shed no tears and I am sure many people thought I was cold and heartless. I was going through a combination of feelings. My son was gone and I was relieved that he would never have to suffer again. I knew in my heart that he was in a better place. I think I had been so tired for so many years that it was also like a burden being lifted. At the same time I was disappointed and hurt, I guess even after all that time I had believed that he would once again be normal. That he would one day walk again, cry, laugh or even smile. I think it hurt too much for my heart to comprehend. He was gone before I could give him the strength I had finally found. My baby boy was gone. To this day I still hurt when I think about it. I miss him greatly and I am not sure anyone will ever understand. I have missed him since the day he went into his coma. I still dream of him. In my dreams he walks and talks and plays. When I wake up I find myself so sad because that was the closest I will ever be to him again. I find myself anxious to sleep sometimes so that I might meet him in my dreams. Hold his soft body close. I often wonder what life would be like right now if he had never gotten sick. This would have been his first year of kindergarten. It pains me to think such thought s and I scold myself because deep in my heart I know that I am being selfish. I know that he is in a better place being held in arms that bring him peace.

If I could do it all again

If I could do it all again

I would do everything different

I would of let you go

When the doctor told me so

You lived a quiet life

With probably no joy

If I could do it all again

I would of loved you harder baby boy

I started out so strong

But eventually broke down and got weak

And I know there is so much you wanted to say

But there were no words for you to speak

My heart for you was good

And intentions for you were best

But if I had of been less selfish

The first time around I would have put you to rest

But truly I loved you

More than you’ll ever know

I only wish we would have had the chance

To have a relationship that could grow

But life is often strange and full of curious ways

And I know that again we will meet

At the end of days

I won’t waste time making and excuses

Because I’m pretty sure for them you have no uses

I had a plan to make it better and just know that I loved you

But it seems that you were gone before I had a chance to do

What was in store for you…

I’m sorry if you suffered

I’m sorry if you had pain

I’m sorry for the weather- if it always felt like rain

Just know if I could do it all again

It would have been different from beginning to end…

In the End

Life is too short

Do you feel me?

So excuse me if I come on too strong

But I get only one shot for you to see the real me

Simple, Sweet, Naughty trying to be good

Would save the world if I could

Sometimes I get so deep I get lost

Probably your perception of my sanity is the cost

But Carpe Diem, Seize the Day

Can’t let fear get in the way

You have not because you ask not

Let not these things be forgot

Death comes quick and chances come and sometimes forever go

So if I have it to say

Then you will know

Time is not my friend, nor on my side

So I don’t want to miss the beauty in my life

Because of simple pride

Soap operas taught me tragedy

Of waiting one too late

So this is the creed by which I live

The one the soap opera lead me to create….